Soundtrack of Your Life: The Life and Times of Kayla Fine

Yesterday I was given one of the hardest assignments of my life. Music is my life. I live, breathe, and dream of it. I use melodies and catchy lyrics to face whatever I am dealing with; much the way a painter uses color to expose their emotions. When I was asked to make a soundtrack to my life, I thought I was on easy street. That is, until I started putting my playlist together. As I thought about times in my life, I tried to decide which memories I wanted to let the world in on, my almost graduation, my parents constant fighting, my first apartment, my best friend's death, or should I even say anything at all? After careful thought and consideration, I have composed a list of influential moments in my life.

We'll start with my life as it stands now. I moved to Maryland six months ago, leaving behind a fiancé', lifelong friend, little sister, and a newborn goddaughter. While this has been very difficult for me, I believe that I am doing what is best for me by removing myself from my dark past. Thus I chose "I Just Wanna Live" by Good Charlotte as my first song. Although I felt that I was doing something to improve my life, I was repeatedly told that I was living in a fantasy world, much the way this song goes... "Stop your messin' around, better think of your future, better make some good plans... Lookout, better play it safe, you never know what hard times will come your way. We say, where we're coming from we've already seen all the bad times..."

I understand though, why everyone was worried about my decision. I was sixteen when I moved out of my mother's home. I lived with friends until I got my first apartment. I felt on top of the world, until the rest of my family stopped talking to me. I was told that I was pushing people away, and that I started fights with my step-father. These memories helped me make my next selection, "Ever Mine" by Gabrielle. After hearing this song, I knew that I wasn't alone. If others had done it, so could I. "...So I hold my head high, and I keep my wits about me. I keep my wits about me and I take each day in stride. And I wonder a bit aimlessly, do you think I'm free?" After listening to that song for about two weeks, I finally decided to prove to myself that I was not worthless by getting my GED.

By now, you may be wondering why I ever quit school in the first place. I wonder that myself some days. My relationship with my now ex-finance' led me to make some dumb decisions. I met him when I w seventeen and was instantly smitten. He soon convinced me, quite easily I will admit, that I should drop out of school and move out of my home. While I will always regret not standing up to him and letting him control me, I will never regret what I learned from him. I am a stronger woman because of those two years, both mentally and physically. And so, this is for every woman who has ever been in that position, courtesy of Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)." "Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why, it's not a question but a lesson learned in time..."

So far, what you've read has made it seem like I had a horrible childhood, which is not true. While my parents did divorce when I was young, so did over half of my friend's parents. My step-father and I may not have always gotten along, but I never went cold or hungry. My mom worked all the time, and my dad made sure that she had money to take care of me and my younger brother. But sometimes I think that maybe that was what their problem was, they never really lived. My biggest fear as a little girl was that my mom would somehow not be able to pay the light bill, or the rent, or the gas bill... As I was sitting there wondering why I worried about things like that, I realized that I always heard my mom arguing with my dad about it. As a kid, I was never shown how little we had, but I knew from their attitudes. So Smile Empty Soul's "Silhouettes" is a message that I think my parents should have heard. "I don't wanna live like my mother; I don't wanna let fear rule my life. And I don't want to live like my father; I don't want to give up before I die. When I have kids, I won't put any chains on their wrists, I won't. I'll tell them this, there's nothing in this world that you can't be if you want it enough."

After reading all of this, you probably think "poor Kayla.” Well, stop. If there’s anyone you should be feeling sorry for, it’s all the single parents out there. When I was old enough to accept what divorced parents meant, I took it hard. I remember the fights with my mom and dad both. I did as most kids at my age did. I played them against each other, which caused even more fights. I also remember all the broken promises. That’s the main reason why I chose Everclear’s “Wonderful.” One of the strongest memories I have is blaring that song from my radio hoping that one of my parents would get the hint. Whether they did or not, I’ll never know. “Promises mean everything when you’re little and the world’s so big. I just don’t understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes and tell me everything in wonderful now.”

Looking back on this soundtrack, I feel like I’m reaching out in hopes of gaining pity. That is not my intention. I simply want to show that it doesn’t matter what or where you come from, you can be better. You really can learn from your mistakes, and from others, if you so choose. I did that. I chose to be more than anyone ever gave me credit for, to be more than what was expected of me. And hopefully, in ten years this soundtrack will be completely different.